Chakwas' half-blind date
by The Outlander
Summary: Commander Shepard tricks two of her crew members into a blind date that she masterfully orchestrates from behind the scenes. Written for Osage's January Blind Date Contest on Aria's Afterlife forum.


_**SSV Normandy, bridge**_

"Right," Shepard shouted, going over her checklist one more time. Almost all of the crew members were in attendance and they surrounded the commander to make sure her grand scheme was not going to fail. "Tali, music?"

"I scoured the very latest hit lists on Earth for the best love songs," the quarian confirmed, firing up her omni-tool to provide a sample. "This'll make them melt."

"Good. Grunt, beverages?"

"Got everything from the Krogan Bowel Ripper to Serrice Ice," Grunt confirmed.

"Excellent. Kasumi, lights?"

"I have set up the lounge to reflect the atmosphere of a particularly cute Japanese restaurant I once robbed," the thief replied. "Easiest job ever, since everybody was making out."

"Are you sure it wasn't a whorehouse?" Jack asked, but everybody ignored her.

"Mordin, how's the chemistry?"

"If human libido and mood prove unsatisfactory to obtain desired result, I've got pheromones at the ready that would make a pyjak want to hump a rachni."

"Great. Miranda, snacks?"

"Oysters, chocolate, honey-glazed almonds, figs,… You name it, it's all there."

"Judging by your butt," Jack intervened, "you've been enjoying those yourself, haven't you?" Shepard continued to ignore her.

The commander clapped her hands twice, overexcited at what was to come. "Okay, guys, this is it. This is what I've worked on for months. Tonight, we won't kill, we won't fight, we won't maim. Tonight, we bring forth love. This date can not fail. It _must_ not fail. Everybody here has a job to do. I'm counting on you guys. Joker, fire it up!"

And like a master of puppets, Shepard turned towards the holo-screen that displayed the images of the Normandy lounge's security camera. The rest of the crew closed in as well.

"Gather round, people," Shepard whispered. "Love is in the air."

XXX_XXX_XXX

_Meet me in the lounge._

An everyday message, were it not that this one lacked a sender. It came from inside the ship, that much Karin could see, but when she asked EDI who had sent it the AI had hidden behind an atypical feigned ignorance. The last time a similar situation occurred on the _Normandy_, Shepard had thrown a surprise party for her birthday, which led Karin to believe that Jane had something in store for her again. As adorable and endearing as the commander's playfulness could be, she was currently working on a very important article for the Thessian Journal of Medicine on how the asari mind meld affected a human's nervous system. When she joined Cerberus she had insisted she be allowed to continue her academical works as ever since the battle of the Citadel she'd been in high demand. Her deadline was approaching soon and she didn't want to miss the opportunity to be published in one of Thessia's foremost medical magazines.

Luckily it was a short trip from the med bay to the lounge and when the door opened she was surprised by who was rapping his knuckles on the bar.

"Zaeed?"

The mercenary looked up and judging by his frown he had not expected to see her here.

"Doc," he growled in his deep gravelly voice. It was a short greeting, but not at all lacking courtesy or respect. He was just a man of few words.

Karin noticed he looked different. She wondered why and then she realized she had never seen him without his armour on. His short-sleeved maroon t-shirt revealed his many tattoo's and even his loose blue jeans could not hide his massive quadriceps. But was attracted her attention the most were his thick, broad forearms. Some women loved broad shoulders, others preferred long legs, others adored a pretty face. Chakwas had always been a sucker for forearms and Zaeed looked like he could arm-wrestle a krogan warlord and make it cry for its mommy.

"Did you send me that message?" Karin asked, holding up her datapad.

"What message?" Zaeed replied, responding to her question with another question.

"The one that said to meet in the lounge." Karin swore she could see Zaeed smile a little bit. She wondered why until he shoved his datapad in her direction across the bar counter.

"Funny. I got the same one."

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Quick, quick!" Shepard shouted into Joker's ear. "Shut it down, now!"

"Okay, okay," Joker replied, "I'm sitting right next to you, you know. You don't have to scream." Joker pressed a button on his holo-board. "I have Vrolik's syndrome, I'm not deaf."

"'Deaf' rhymes with 'Jeff'," EDI remarked, but Joker just rolled his eyes.

"Just stick to the script, EDI," Shepard sighed.

"I will, Shepard. I am sorry. I have not yet managed to integrate the subtle aspects of human comedy, like timing and intonation, into my programming."

XXX_XXX_XXX

"What in the bloody hell…" Zaaed murmured when the green light on the lounge door turned red. The soldier walked past Chakwas and banged his fist on the lock, but all he got for his troubles was a disappointing bleep.

"Odd…" Karin whispered before speaking up. "EDI? I believe there is a malfunction in the lounge."

The AI popped up on the display next to the door. "What seems to be the problem, Doctor Chakwas?"

"The goddamn door's locked," Zaeed snarled. "What's going on here?"

"I apologize for the inconvenience, mister Massani. It appears Engineer Donnelly has made a mistake down on the engineering level. We are currently trying our hardest to come up with a solution.

Zaeed didn't buy that for a single solitary second. He had spoken to the kid and he was as knowledgeable about his field of study as Zaeed was about flamethrowers and asari arse. He also didn't believe that this wasn't a problem that EDI could fix in less than the blink of an eye. For some reason Shepard wanted him trapped here with the good doctor.

Judging by Chakwas' puzzled, skeptic look, she also had trouble believing the AI's explanation.

"May I suggest," EDI continued, "that you two make yourself comfortable? It could take a while, but luckily the bar has been fully stocked recently and there is a plethora of snacks available in the cupboards."

"How long will this take?" Chakwas asked, "I have work to do."

Zaeed couldn't say the same. Now that Vido was dead he had more free time on his hands than he cared for.

"Might as well grab a drink while we're here, though," Zaeed suggested. He walked over to the bar and opened up the freezers that were hidden underneath the counter. Zaeed's jaw dropped at the sight of so much alcohol. He couldn't have been happier, even if he'd found a golden thresher turd. "Bloody hell, had I known they were this well stocked I'd've asked them to lock me up in here earlier."

Chakwas smiled. She sat herself down in one of the sofa's while Zaeed took a beer and bit off the bottle cap. He spat it down on the counter and put the ice cold glass to his lips. Premium Earth-brewn lager, straight out of Belgium. Best in the whole goddamn universe.

"You want one, doc? Or something else, maybe?"

Chakwas shook her head, and answered as polite as ever, "No, thank you, I'm not thirsty. Besides, I need a clear head, I have an article to finish later."

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Damn it, Karin!" Shepard groaned as she watched Chakwas shake her head on the display monitor.

"She's not going to make this easy on us, is she?" Joker asked, but Shepard wasn't discouraged.

"Thane," she commanded, "get down to life support. Find a way to turn the humidity level down in the lounge. That woman will drink alcohol tonight, if it's the last thing I do!"

"Right away, Shepard." And with a courteous bow, Thane went off to accomplish his task.

"Be careful, though," Jack warned Shepard. "Who says she won't dry up in her nether regions too?"

"Ridiculous suggestion," Mordin intervened. "Vaginal fluids are stimulated by sexual appetite. There is no concrete evidence to suggest air humidity and libido are connected."

"Even so," Shepard replied, "I won't take the risk. EDI, tell Thane to return the air levels back to normal once she's had a few drinks in her. And tell him to crank the heat up too while he's there."

"Right away, commander."

Shepard stuck her index fingernail between her teeth and started chewing. One way or another, this was going to work.

XXX_XXX_XXX

Barely a minute after Zaeed had joined her on the couch and laid out an amazing platter of cold and hot snacks, she noticed how raw and dry her throat was. She also felt a lot warmer. It felt like a small sauna inside the lounge, with its low air humidity and high temperature. Although she knew it wasn't the right thing to do, she just needed a little something to wet her throat.

"Sure you're not thirsty, doc?" Zaeed asked when he saw her licking her lips. This time she couldn't resist.

"Actually, I could use a little something. Would you mind pouring me something?"

"Sure thing, love." Zaeed grunted as he got up from the couch and he put his beer on the table. "What are you in the mood for?" he asked as he rummaged through the well-stocked freezer.

"Is there any water?"

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Grunt, don't tell me you put water in there." Shepard nearly panicked. She had not seen this coming.

"I may know only 653 ways to skin a salarian alive, but that doesn't mean I'm completely stupid," the krogan growled. "The only thing that looks like water in there is vodka and tequila."

That put Shepard's mind at ease, until Garrus' remark made her heart skip a beat.

"How about the water tap underneath the counter?" the turian asked. Shepard facepalmed so hard she almost knocked herself unconscious.

"SHIT!" she exclaimed. "I totally forgot about that. EDI, shut down the water right away."

"Done, Shepard."

"Good. That was close. Let's see what they're going to do now…"

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Bloody thing won't give me a drop of water," Zaeed grunted as he twisted the water tap to its fullest. The disappointment on Chakwas' face was so apparent he grinned. All these malfunctions were way too much of a coincidence, but whatever game Shepard was playing right now, he was willing to see how it'd turn out. "Something else, then?" He got up to his feet and started rummaging through the contents of the bar again. A green glass bottle caught his eye and he took it from the back of the shelf, reading the label.  
"Champagne Cristal Brut, 2111. Sounds fancy. What do you say, doc? Crack it open for you? It'll go great with those oysters."

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Damn it, Grunt, that is a 25,000 credit bottle of premium champagne!" Shepard shouted. "What were you thinking?"

"You did say, 'spare no expense'," the krogan replied in his defense while all the other crew members snickered. "Besides, what are you targeting me for? Those oysters Miranda bought cost 2,000 creds a pop."

"Miranda, tell me he is joking," Shepard said immediately, looking at the Cerberus officer who pretended like she had spotted something extremely interesting on the cockpit's ceiling. Shepard sighed.

"Holy shit, you guys. These two better have five kids and a platinum anniversary by the end of the night, you hear me?"

XXX_XXX_XXX

"These oysters are phenomenal!" Karin exclaimed while she washed her third one down with the last drops of champagne in her glass. It was the best beverage she had ever tasted and even though she was already starting to feel the effects, her taste buds were creaming for another drink.

Zaeed filled her glass and topped his own one off as well before chucking a handful of honeyed almonds in his mouth.

Karin studied him as he chewed. The vibrations of the muscles in his jaw ran all the way through his scarred face. She took another sip and marveled at the sight. As a doctor and a surgeon, she had always considered medicine an art. When she performed surgery on her dolls as a little girl it wasn't because she was acting on her psychopathic tendencies, but because she had always been fascinated by how things were held together, and there was no construction more marvelous or complicated than the human body. Zaeed was living proof it could survive the most gruesome and horrific of injuries. The man had survived a shotgun blast to the head. The right side of his face looked like it had been sewn back on and she wouldn't be surprised if Zaeed had done it himself. The man was tough beyond all measure. Decades of fighting had left him mortally wounded dozens of times, but his body never gave up. It survived and healed, against all odds. After everything he'd gone through, the mere fact he was alive was a miracle of nature. Yes, medicine was an art. And Zaeed Massani was a masterpiece.

"Can I ask…" Karin began, slowly lifting up her left index finger as Zaeed took another swig of champagne. He froze when Karin touched the scar on his face. "How much did it hurt?" It was a strange question, bordering rude, but the alcohol went down smoothly and made her much more forward than she usually would be in a situation like this.

Zaeed's head didn't move, but both his bad and his good eye turned in her direction. "It hurt like a bitch."

Of course it did. Karin didn't know what else the answer could've been, but surprisingly Zaeed elaborated. She took her finger away and rested her elbow on the sofa's backrest.

"As I always say, rage is a hell of an anesthetic. Still, having your face blown off… Fuck, I sometimes still dream of it at night. And the pain always comes back. It's always there." His voice was low, but truthful. Chakwas was surprised by his honesty and candour. "But I don't mind," he continued, "it reminds me of what I lost, sure, but also of what I've still got to lose. And as a result, it reminds me of what I'm fighting for."

"And what are you fighting for, Zaeed?"

"The future."

XXX_XXX_XXX

"BOOM!" Shepard shouted into Joker's ear, who flinched. "This is it, guys. Mordin, I want you to drop a pheromone bomb into that room so big the furniture spontaneously orgasms. And EDI, put Tali's music mix on."

"Will comply with request." Mordin's eyes twinkled. "Been working on this special formula for years. Am anxious to see results."

"We are curious to see how this human mating ritual progresses," Legion chimed in. "We are looking forward to see it culminate into physical activity. This is a strange concept for geth and we would like to understand it better."

"Holy shit, the talking flashlight is a perv!" Jack laughed.

"They're not going to have sex right now, Legion," Shepard corrected him. "At least, I don't think so."

"They better not," Kasumi intervened. "That's my couch they're sitting on, you know."

"Either way," Joker said, "I'm hitting the record button."

XXX_XXX_XXX

The bottle of champagne was as dry as Zaeed's mouth and he went over to the bar to grab another drink. He took a couple more beers, taking full advantage of the wide variety on offer, and grabbed a bottle of Serrice Ice for the doctor as requested.

When the romantic music started playing and the lights dimmed, he didn't even care any more. Chakwas and him were having a great talk and he couldn't remember the last time he'd had so much fun that didn't involve setting old enemies on fire.

"You know," Zaeed began, "earlier when you touched my scar… I'm surprised. Usually women don't like them. On the rare occasions I do go on a date or something, I can see the horror in their eyes the moment they lay eyes on me. After a while I'd given up on a stable relationship, but even whores, they, well, avoid looking at them, definitely avoid touching them."

"That's because ordinary women can't appreciate the machinations of the human flesh," Chakwas replied. She had a devilish, playful grin on her face that he had never seen before and never would have expected from her. She nibbled on the last of the chocolates and stroked the scar on his cheekbone with the back of her hand. Her very touch made him tingle. It was smooth and delicate, yet firm and almost loving. He didn't know why, but he felt attracted to her in ways he'd rarely felt before. It couldn't just have been the alcohol.

Suddenly it occurred to him that this was what Shepard wanted all along. She had lured them here, given them a bar full of booze, some tasty treats and an excuse to sit on a comfy couch together. He should've seen it coming from a mile off. The last time she'd come down to his Starboard Cargo Area she had shown a remarkable interest in his romantic history. But even though he finally saw through Shepard's game plan, he didn't give a flying fuck.

Karin inched closer and he did the same. Their thighs were touching and their heads turned towards each other. She was so different from other women. He'd always considered her intelligent, but now for the first time he realized how beautiful she was, especially for a woman her age.

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Come on, do it!" Shepard screamed frantically, her throat sore from exhaustion. The whole crew was bobbing up and down in anticipation of what was to come next."

"Pheromones performed admirably," Mordin said, as proud as ever.

"Good thing I spiked that Serrice Ice with a little… extra. Teeheehee." Grunt boomed, his deep laughter making everybody giggle.

"The oysters did the trick as well," Miranda said.

"Of course, " Jack replied. "Oysters make a girl's clam as wet as a skinny-dipping hanar."

"Hush guys," Shepard shushed, holding a finger in front of her lips. "We're not quite there yet!"

XXX_XXX_XXX

Karin didn't know what was happening to her. She wasn't thinking straight. This went against all rational thinking. She was drunk. She was going to miss her deadline. She was going to throw herself into the arms of a ruthless mercenary who had killed more people than the Skyllian Blitz.

But as she stared into his cold, grey eye, another piece of medical art, she saw it as a reminder that even in death, there was life. She felt safe with him. She felt protected. And she wanted to feel him, touch him, to become one with him. She wanted to wrap him around her and drown inside his forearms.

Their mouths moved towards each other. She knew that after this everything would be different. But she didn't care. It was going to be worth it. And as she felt his surprisingly soft lips on hers, she closed her eyes and immortalized the moment.

XXX_XXX_XXX

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" Shepard jumped up and down, raising her fingers in the air. "We did it! We actually goddamn did it! Whoo!"

The entire crew applauded and smiled, but nobody was as excited as Shepard herself. She jumped onto Legion's platform and planted a wet kiss on his flashlight. His headflaps waggled in surprise as she climbed back down and continued to dance around the room.

"We did not anticipate this turn of events," Legion admitted.

"You mean the doctor and Zaeed hooking up," Jack asked, "or the commander French-kissing you?"

"… data inconclusive. Please wait while we attempt to reach consensus."

"Uh, commander?" Joker asked, urging Shepard to come back to the screen. "I think you need to see this."

As Shepard skipped over to her pilot, she saw how Chakwas had slid both hands underneath Zaeed's shirt and was slowly pulling up the edges.

"Okay, guys. I think it's time we gave these two some privacy."

"But…" Kasumi protested, "where will I sleep tonight?"

"You can bunk up with me," Grunt suggested. "Fair warning: I snore, though."

"An burp and sneeze and fart," Kasumi completed the list.

"Tehehe. I guess I do," the krogan laughed.

"Look guys," Shepard took over, addressing the entire crew, "thanks for doing this. It meant a lot to me, and I'm sure it means a lot to these two as well. Tonight we brought two eternal bachelors together and I expect of you that we encourage their relationship and do whatever we can to make it last."

Shepard turned over to Joker's console and switched the vid screen off despite his protests.

After all the crew had left, Shepard sat herself down in Joker's chair. EDI popped up in the display next to her.

"What is on your mind, Shepard?"

The commander looked out the window and gazed at the stars, thinking of the man she had left behind on Virmire.


End file.
